The 24 hour gym. They are everywhere. Look to your right. Now look left. One of these buildings will one day be a 24-hour gym. But who is getting the most out of it? What is it like to exercise in the early hours of the morning? I decided to find the answers to my questions by spending the entire night at a Planet Fitness. I embarked on this journey so you never have to. It's a journey fueled by curiosity and sure to be bogged down by boredom. Announcement
I already have a Planet Fitness subscription because it's cheap as dust and takes away the financial guilt of skipping a workout. This location is on Dupont and Dufferin in Toronto. If you know anything about this intersection, you'll know that it's home to the Galleria shopping center. The worst mall I've ever been to. Legally, I'm not sure it qualifies as a mall. There are more gumball and hockey card vending machines than real people. It exists in its little world, where the old Greeks are kings, complaining about Styrofoam cups full of black coffee that cost a drachma.
Other than an LCBO, there's little value in this outdated time capsule. Most stores have their windows covered in brown paper, as if the laziest member of his family were wrapping them up for Christmas. Beyond all that is the mecca of this tiring place: Planet Fitness. This was my new home.
Midnight
It was a freezing Saturday night in February. Snow floated gently in the air as he walked.
As the masses thronged King Street, shivering but justified in not paying for the wardrobe, I embarked on my little adventure.
On this night, I didn't have the pleasure of walking through this mall graveyard. Everything at this time was closed except Planet Fitness. This meant you had to go back to a separate entrance. What a vip.
Upon arriving at Planet Fitness, you have the chance to look longingly at the rest of the mall. You can look through the metal slats at what would be the saddest exhibit in a zoo. Announcement Upon entering Planet Fitness, you are greeted by an array of motivating sayings, proudly displayed to keep you comfortable. Phrases such as: “Judgment-free zone”, “No criticism” and “Warehouse”.
Besides them, there is a giant screen with the name: Lunk Alarm. An alarm that will go off if someone is seen acting like an idiot. It's important to remember that lunk is not a word. I used it in urban dictionary and it says it was invented by Planet Fitness. To my dismay, the night desk clerks don't sound this hourly alarm just to keep everyone on their toes.
There are screens playing PFTV all the time which is just a CP24 for Planet Fitness. I was surprised to see a song and video by Meghan Trainor. And not the one we all know. Another, I had forgotten about Meghan Trainor. There were half a dozen people going about their routines like it wasn't one in the morning. It was mostly middle-aged men in old marathon T-shirts. There could be a longing for an old glory hidden behind his eyes or maybe he was just looking for a narrative.
None of them looked like a freak. But I had heard that those went out at night. Maybe it wasn't enough NIGHT. He knew he had to be patient. I decided to kill time by exercising. I thought I might as well have been absolutely torn as I recounted this experience. For the first time, the bench press was free, so I did a few reps at a very slow pace. I followed it up with some squats as I managed to do all the most coveted exercises in one session. I even did those obnoxious yarn chest flies, which at any other time of day would get everyone's attention at the gym. But tonight, this place was mine. Announcement
the death of the night
2h30 m. The training was a mistake. I was tired and hungry.
I decided that in order to survive this night, I would need sustenance. When I stepped out into the cold darkness, the golden arches stood out like a beacon of hope. A quaint, family-run joint called McDonalds. It was perfect, and by perfect I mean closed and open. When I arrived I found that there were more people in this 24 hour fast food restaurant than the 24 hour gym and isn't that so revealing about society and modern times? Isn't that too clever a metaphor for the western world, and am I not too educated a man to see it? I ordered some Junior Chickens for the protein.
I returned triumphant to Planet Fitness and decided to speak with the receptionist. I ask him what it's like normally in the middle of the night and he says it's more like this. This was great information to learn. Everyone can rest easy knowing how little they are missing out. I asked him if they ever had weirdos there and he told me the weirdest thing he had ever seen was a man playing his own music on a boombox while working out. At some point, without warning, he called another customer a "whore", so the man and sound crew were asked to leave.
I didn't see any of that. There was a constant... four or five of us, all night. I really thought I was going to be the one at some point. But not. For every me, there were four or five more out there clocking in for the night shift. I think they were there for the same reason I was. I will be interested in reading your articles. Announcement There are signs explaining how to maintain your environment without "mobbing". Just another made-up word for this purple plaster palace. One of those rules is no sandals, which made me question my definition of "gym".
I walked on this treadmill for a full hour at an exceedingly slow pace. A mile and a half. No one around me cared but it really felt like abuse from this staff. Two others were on mats nearby and I prayed they danced or fell or something. If I'm there, I can at least release a viral video. They didn't do any of that. Selfish. There was another guy in the "crunch and stretch" room and for a while I enjoyed doing almost silly stretches in front of him to see if he would come help me. He left without any advice. I'm beyond help.
Dawn
More people started showing up early on Sunday morning. Little did they know that this yawning child lying on the mats had been there all night. And he had seen it all. From a handful of people who do average exercises to readingWhere the weak have no placein the empty locker room, this was truly an experience that I would not recommend to anyone.
The most emotional moments were watching the same NHL Highlight Packs on loop and seeing a man in a beanie hat. I didn't know people still used them. Truly, the Meghan Trainor of hats. I was definitely bored and underwhelmed by the number of monsters, but I must say to Planet Fitness's credit, all in all I never felt intimidated. sign up for VICE Canada Newsletter to get the best of VICE Canada delivered to your inbox.